There are many stories of big heists in Eve Online, of which this isn’t. There are many stories of clever heists that have taken many months of planning, which again, this isn’t. Infact, this heist was neither a very big heist, or particularly clever, but it is pretty funny.
This particular heist involves two test pilots by the name of Captain Pitts and Unreal Blight, who while on a quiet day in the HERO staging system of GE-8JV spot an opportunity that, even in their estimations, would never present itself. As Unreal explains on his Test Forum thread after Captain Pitts frantically calls for help:-
‘Pitts starts pinging me to shit through 3 channels about how it’s time for GRAND THEFT BATTLESHIPPU~and that he’s about to heist all the shit from the PL pos in GE- system, but he needs help with the Battleships.’
Pitts had managed to obtain the password to the Pandemic Legion Starbase in GE-8JV, naturally, with Pandemic Legions reputation for deep pockets this of course was an opportunity not to miss.
‘Its happening mode fucking engages and we get to fucking work. Didn’t get any screenshots at first because knees weak and palms sweating, but after we nag a couple of rokhs and scorps this is what’s left.’
‘Unfortunately neither of us knows jack shit about POS mechanics and I’m scared that they’ll show up and reset the pos password or something and we’ll lose our chance.’
While desperately trying to empty the POS of everything they could grab a few of the floaters around the GE-8JV station start noticing Pitts and Unreals to-ing and fro-ing back and forth from the pos when a fellow Test member Watermelon Bandido types in local:-
Unreal, realises that being outed in local could be a problem, particularly if anyone else, let alone PL, catches on to what they are up to:-
‘I have to act COMPLETELY FUCKING NATURAL SO NO ONE GETS SUSPICIOUS. The only natural response is to nonchalantly tell him…’
Hopefully, having now deflected any interest in what the pair are up to they continue to move ships floating in the pos back to station.
‘I figure we’re in the clear now, only a few ships left to take, but all of the sudden…’
‘FUCKIN SPOTTED OH SHIT WHAT DO NOW UNREAL?! Pitts and I are now on limited time, we just got to take what we can and figure the rest out later.
Fortunately for us, sebskywalker apparently knows even less about stopping pos thefts than we know about committing them. We succeed in taking all the ships, and the only thing else we can find are the cargo containers, but there’s probably nothing in them right?’
‘RICH BEYOND OUR WILDEST DREAMS. A free 400m ain’t fuckin bad, so pitts jukes the malediction in his pod like a fuckin boss while I buy a motherfucking badger for the first time since like 2011 and warp right on him. … max speed is fucking aids and I’m intently staring down my goddamn monitor like that will somehow make me align faster. Luckily, good ol malediction bro completely fucks up while bumping and bumps me right into the container. I say thanks and scoop the shit up and warp away, op fucking success.’
Getting back to the station with their loot, the two begin to tally up the takings and use the opportunity to have a bit of classic TEST style gloating in local.
‘We may not be able to buy a new super or even a carrier with it, but we didn’t even have to leave our staging system for some dank loot
#ThanksPL #GoodGuysWinAgain #DredditIsRecruiting’
It just goes to show, in Eve, it doesn’t matter if its a small heist, or a big one, as soon as you drop your guard down someone will be waiting to take everything they can even if it is only 1.5bn ISK.
You can read the original post and follow the discussion on this on the reddit thread here.
[If you have any interesting stories of your own to share feel free to either drop it in the comments below or contact one of the team directly]
