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An Ode to Smack Talk

October 13, 2014

EVE is not about pixelated spaceships covered up by countless spreadsheets. It’s not even about owning SOV, although that is closer to the truth. EVE is about interacting with other people and perhaps sometimes trying to avoid interacting with other people. The amazing graphics and complex mechanics are just the framework upon which the all too colorful tapestry of human interaction is laid.

I want to talk to you today about the most holy of interactions; smack talk. History does not record when the first game was invented but most assuredly, the invention of smack talk followed mere moments afterwards. Good smack talk is as essential to the gaming experience as salt is to eating.

My experience in EVE has shown me that a great many of the more prolific smack talkers are woefully inadequate to the task. There are three definite rules which should be observed anytime you choose to un-zip and wag your cyber-dong in local.

1st rule:

Don’t be a dumbass. If you just dropped a couple dozen HAC’s on a rookie ship, broadcasting “you suck” in local is a) not supported by the facts at hand and b) an indication of your lack of experience. If you feel any real sense of accomplishment in destroying the erstwhile noob pilot then you probably purchased your account and should not speak until you know better. Don’t get me wrong, you should definitely blow that sucker up but afterwards act like you’ve “been there, done that.”

2nd rule:

Don’t be a dumbass. Show some style and a sense of humor when you lay down your smack. Don’t just drop back and punt out some lame ass question about the opposing pilot’s sexual orientation. Unless of course, you are cruising for a trick in which case, have at it. I won’t judge. Take some time to craft some clever gifs or at the very least learn a decent “yo mamma” joke or two.

The 3rd and final rule:

Finally; don’t be a dumbass. If you get your dick stomped in the dirt, don’t go all whiney and fill local up with your boo-hooing. You got beat. It happens. Tap out as genuine a “GF” as you can muster and go re-ship. Even if the other guy ignores my first two rules you are still expected to follow good ol’ number three. Remember, douche bags are filled with mostly saline so your tears will only make them stronger. Show some style. Death is temporary, shame is everlasting.

I hope this little missive will help inspire some of my fellow residents of New Eden to up their game. Quality smack talk makes the game better for all of us.