March 30th 21:00 Eve time,
Its been a long day, I find myself sitting in a Starbucks relaxing, enjoying my customary flat white latte and partaking of the free wifi offered by the local coffee shop. I begin the long and arduous process of navigating services, registrations, and authorizations when joining a new alliance or coalition in Eve Online. Registering for Mumble, Forum Access, Authorizations, API checks, and the endless amount of bureaucratic bullshit that all new capsuleers must navigate through in order to partake of the “Fun” of joining a new group. Previously, I had been inactive for months, occasionally tabbing over to reddit or EN24 to see what was going on in game when it finally happened. The Imperium was running, nearly all of EVE had created a single massive loose coalition in order to finally end the hegemony of the CFC and they were out for Mittens blood. I had to get in on this, so I resubscribed to Eve and checked r/jobs to see that of course “Dreddit was recruiting”. My Name is Sanai Nobuseri, and this is my story.
After logging in for the first time in months, I had an interview with Legisis Aldent, one of the directors of a corporation called Alcoholocaust in Test Alliance Please Ignore. I filled out their paperwork, gave them my API and was subsequently dragged into a private audience chamber via mumble in which much hazing went on, unspeakable things involving dragons and male prosthetics, Russian drinking games, massive amounts of foul language and the odd derogatory innuendo. Having passed the hazing process I was drafted into Test Alliance as a new scrub to be thrown into the jaws of war against the crumbling might of the CFC. I had managed to join a group and, eager to engage the enemy with my new comrades, I began the arduous process of moving to the combat zone on the other side of the F’ing universe.
Having Lived in Curse for the last 6 months of my Eve career, I needed to deploy to the new combat zone in order to face our enemy and do my part in bringing about their destruction. I hopped into my trusty Taranis and began to zoom my way rapidly through 56 jumps of Nullsec, Lowsec and Highsec. Being a large alliance, Test is embroiled in many wars against highsec griefing and war dec groups, and I had the pleasure of meeting a large contingent of them as I flew 1 jump out of Amarr. It was a fleet of seven instalocking svipuls. As I land on the gate, they make the mistake of jumping through and I immediately turn around and find an alternate route, bypassing the enemy. As I leave the system the Svipuls come back in and link my name in local, calling me a “Lucky bastard.”
It took the better part of an hour to make it to the Test staging system in Obe, located in lowsec. After docking my trusty Interceptor up, I finished the arduous process of signing up for services. Just five minutes after setting up my Jabber, a ping goes up, sent by none other than ProGodLegend, one of Eve’s most famous fleet commanders. He is asking for stealth bombers and black ops battleships to form up and head out in order to fight the enemy. Having just arrived with no ships in which to participate, I am rejected from the fleet and must sit idly by while my comrades head out to do battle. I resign myself to immediately begin researching our doctrines and importing the necessary modules in which to fit them. The market in Obe is a joke, one massive scam meant to deprive unwary players of their hard earned isk, and I am forced to retire to the trade hub Jita eight jumps away to supply myself. Groaning inwardly, I resolve to get things done quickly so I can begin to do my part.
It is now 21:30 Eve time, and another ping goes out over Jabber, ProGodLegend is in battle fighting enemy and an immediate call goes out for interceptors to rush to the system of 5ZXX in the region of Pure Blind, demanding entosis pilots to head out in order to capture the massive amount of command nodes that have spawned. The call has gone out, and I heed it, steeling my nerves to go into battle and seek glory under my new banner. Purchasing an entosis link and filling my interceptor with Strontium Clathrates, I burn as fast as possible to 5ZXX, the ancestral home of MOA, running into gate camp after gatecamp of instalocking svipuls, sabres and all kinds of unpleasant things. Being a skilled pilot and a veteran of nullsec combat I manage to evade the traps, while others in my fleet are not so lucky. Having avoided these traps I pass on the intel to my Fleet Commander, and he advises caution to the other pilots following me.
Arriving in 5ZXX, I dock my Taranis and purchase and outfit a fast Slasher to serve as my entosis boat, and begin zipping around the constellation from system to system, working in concert with my fellow entosis pilots to capture the hostile nodes. Most of the nodes are secured, with the help of Pandemic Horde and MOA, when a massive CFC Caracal and Ferox fleet enters the system, bringing local up to around 700+ pilots. I then listen as ProGodLegend goes to work, maneuvering constantly, probing out the enemies and harrying the CFC pilots with the threat of utter destruction at the hands of the Test bombers. After an hour of combat and maneuvering, ProGod finally gets the enemy aggressed on a gate and wipes out a nice portion of the enemy fleet while those who were not aggressed flee to B8E. At the same time, those of us capturing nodes finally secure the R-L timers and secured the system. ProGod gives the order to evacuate and asks the remaining entosis ships to hit another system while they move out.
The CFC has formed a new fleet by now and comes rushing into the system, bringing in a clusterfuck of ships including Interceptors, Feroxes, Caracals and Hurricanes. Without a fleet to protect us, those of us entosising the systems are sitting ducks and watch as a fleet of 200 goons land on our node and begin to us out. My Slasher is a pretty fast ship, so I overheat my Micro Warp Drive and burn 200KM away. A single hostile manages to keep up with me and get a point, so I turn around and align to a celestial directly behind my enemy in an attempt to slingshot past, right as my entosis link finally turns off, allowing me to lose the point and warp away. Unfortunately, my last cycle burns out my MWD, and I am left helpless in space. I am held by point, helpless and adrift, and I realize I am being held to killboard spam. I order my ship to self destruct and my captors blow me out of the sky.
At this point, Entosis ships are being lost left and right, and our FC finally orders us to stand down and rejoin the fleet for a ride back home. Hopping back into my trusty Interceptor, I once again burn the 20+ jumps back to the Test staging system, when ProGodLegend goes apeshit on comms and demands a cyno because no one happens to have one. It is glorious to listen to, as I have watched the video “This Is Really Eve” dozens of times on youtube and Pro and his rants are truly an amazing treat to enjoy. Another rage ping goes out and a cyno is finally organized as I come coasting into our staging system to dock up for the night. Having done my part in securing enemy space, scouting for our fleet, accidentally decloaking a few bombers, running into a half dozen gate camps and listening to one of the most famed players in Eve Online’s historic rants I can say that I am content, and have some odd sort of feeling that in Test Alliance I have found a home. As I’m about to turn off my computer, a notification pops up in my email and I smile to myself as I read that I’ve been accepted onto the FC team. I am resolved to prove myself, and dream of future battles to come.
P.S: Dreddit is Recruiting.
-Sanai Nobuseri
