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It has caused the destruction of countless capsuleers, laid waste to the most careful operational plans, and even tore entire alliances asunder; all without so much as a target lock. Stand aside Big Blue Donut. Move over Denial of Service Attacks. The true, most dangerous force in all of EVE is Real Life Aggro!

The DEV’s have spent hundreds and hundreds of hours working code on every aspect of this game and yet it is clearly all some horrible, evil scam intended to bring only sorrow and misery. They work tirelessly to make this game as engaging and enjoyable as they can and for all of their efforts they have done nothing to combat my wife’s ability to need something right after I jump into the hostile gate camp. Surely, if CCP really cared about its player base they would invest time and money into eliminating Real Life Aggro.

Don’t have a wife, you say? Tell the cow to shut the hell up and make a sandwich, you say? Well, the second remark likely explains the first but the truth is you do not even need a wife to fall victim to RLA. This debilitating condition takes many forms. Girlfriends, parents, kids, jobs, diarrhea; all can lay you low in an instant. From B-GC1T to 2-RSC7 RLA strikes someone roughly every 57 seconds.

Some pilots seem to have developed a sort of resistance to RLA, mainly by avoiding the root cause. Through a careful selection of habitat and hygiene, these stalwart capsuleers deter contact by the outside world, thereby reducing their chances of being directly struck by RLA. Sadly, even a forty seven year old shut-in, eking out a living off of his SSD cheques can be laid low by Second Hand RLA. Yes, you don’t even need to have a life outside of EVE to fall victim to RLA. Second Hand RLA is often every bit as deadly and can come with even fewer warning signs. That scout who failed to alert your fleet to the approach of an even more formidable fleet? He was busy explaining to his child why Daddy has a flashlight that looks like mommy’s ‘girl parts.’ You just died from RLA.

I call upon all EVE faithful to rise up and demand something be done to combat the evil of RLA. CCP must be called to task on this clear dereliction of duty to the player base. Surely a company who has figured out how to make spreadsheets and frustration exciting for over a decade can do something about my boss expecting me to show up for work when there is quite clearly a timer to defend. Soon, we will be choosing a new CSM and I pray that at least one of the candidates will take up this most worthy of causes. I would do so myself but crippling RLA prevents me from taking trips to Iceland.

your drinking buddy,

Rupert Foulmouth

108 Comments

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