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A Christmas Tale

December 24, 2014

Merry Christmas EVE

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
I was drinking my whiskey and really quite soused;
Clothing lay strewn without any care,
And it looked like an orgy had recently been there;
I stumbled about in search of my bed;
While waves of delirium surged through my head;
The TV was cycling through my vintage porn,
And I stood there naked as the day I was born.
Then I fell through my window and made such a clatter,
That my neighbor came out to see what was the matter.
He rushed to my aid, like all good neighbors do,
And I said “Hello Odo” and barfed on his shoe.
Darkness over came me. . .

The next morning I awoke on my doorstep covered in an old blanket which was festooned with a hand written note.

Dear God man, get some help! This is the fourth time this month you have fallen out your damn window. You don’t even have a window, we live in a Space Station for Christ’s sake! I have no idea why you are not dead. Please, seek professional help.
. . . No Rupert, prostitutes are not professional help; at least not in this context.
~ Odo

None of this even scratched my consciousness because I had been gifted with a Christmas miracle! Last night I got to hang out with Santa! Yeah, the real “Jolly Old Elf” himself. We drank eggnog and ate cookies. We played with some of the toys the elves were trying to load on the sleigh. I even got to pet the reindeer! It was a magic time and I wanted to share this great news with someone so I ran over to my buddy Odo’s place.  I pounded on his door until a bleary eyed face appeared through the barely opened door. I pushed on into the apartment and proceded to recount the story of my magical night. Odo must have been moved by the Spirit of Christmas, for as my tale unwound, his face turned ever more red until he looked just like a Christmas ball. When I was finished, he let out a long sigh and shook his head. “You are an idiot”, he said in a low rasping voice. “There is no such thing as Santa and you spent the evening wandering in a drunken blackout through the station concourse.”

I was rocked by his words and stumbled back a few steps. How could someone so seemingly bright in the ways of the universe not know about Santa? I had heard of such people but I never thought I would know one personally. I smiled at Odo as one would smile at a simple child and I handed him the proof I knew he needed. “Look there”, I said, “that is a picture of me and Santa.”  Odo looked up at the image displayed on my datapad. He stared at the picture for a few seconds and then turned, and walked away. Just before he slammed the door of his sleeping chamber he looked back over his shoulder and said; ” That is not Santa, you moron, that’s Gengis Kan.”

I sat in dumbfounded silence for a few moments before wandering back to my apartment. Had this all been some booze-fueled fantasy? It certainly seems real in my mind. Determined to sort it out, I accessed my notes from my interview with Santa.

[interview with one Kris Kringle YC116.12.22]
ME: Just how big is your Naughty list?
Kris: I assumed you are referring to the KOS list. The list is pretty big lemme tell you, we still have 1st guys KOS’ed still if not reseted. The CVA KOS list is a huge beast which has existed for almost 5 years.
ME: Just how big is that book? It must be huge by now Are you in any danger of running out of space?
Kris: Uh, its not really a book it is more of a database. As for running out of space to add reds? not a chance.. plenty more…. more reds are welcomed 🙂
ME: Are their any attempts underway to have your elves increase the size of your book?
Kris: Elves, do you mean CCP? Are you ok? You seem out of it. No, there is No need, what they could increase is the amount of contacts and alliance/corp can have.
ME: So even Santa has a wish list.
Kris: Whatever, I guess. Can I get me check please?
ME: How much time do you spend on the list each week?
Kris: Would say about 10 hours
ME: Wow, I would have thought that was a full-time job. There are billions of people to keep track of. Surely you must get the elves to help out.
Kris: Why do you keep going on about elves? Is this some kind of a stunt?
ME: Do you have any helpers to ease the workload?
Kris: Yeah, but usually i’ll do the most work. Only if a urgent matter comes and im offline than one of the few other Admins takes care of it.
ME: Oooh ‘urgent matter’ someone must have been really naughty. Hey, just how naughty does someone have to be to get on the Naughty list? I mean, there was this one time I {transcript redacted}, would that get me on the list?
Kris: That is disguesting! How could you even think to do somethink like that! CHECK PLEASE!
No, that is not the sort of behavior we track on the KOS list. A pilot is given KOS status by not respecting NRDS policy and Rules of Providence.
ME: Ah yes, Providence, the Big Guy, the Man Upstairs. Guess that is only fair you use His rules since it is His kid’s birthday and all.
So, and I am only asking this for a friend of mine you see, how does one find out if he . . . or she, is on the Naughty list.
Kris: Uh, not really sure what you are going on about but people can check the KOS checker to see if a pilot is KOS.
ME: Do I need to go to the North Pole for that or can I check that sort of thing at your place in the mall?
Kris: OK, I am out of here.
ME: Wait, one final question. If someone does happen to get on the Naughty list is there some way to get off of it?
Kris: Last question, and then I am out of here. You are too wierd! First you would need to join CVA-DIPLO in-game channel. Then ask for an KOS Admin. Anyone who has shot at CVA or other residents of Providence get added to the list and never get removed unless a diplomatic approach is made and repentance made. Diplomatic effort is the way of getting clearance, but even so sometimes pilots may not be removed.
[End Interview]

As the whiskey haze slowly burnt away, I was left questioning the events of the prior evening. Had I spent the evening harrassing some poor bastard just trying to enjoy his night on the town or did I really hang out with Santa. Suddenly, the truth dawned on me. Whiskey had given me the clarity of vision needed to pierce even Santa’s magic veil. Gengis Kan IS Santa!

Gengis Santa

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Your drinking buddy,