EVE is not about pixelated spaceships covered up by countless spreadsheets. It’s not even about owning SOV, although that is closer to the truth. EVE is about interacting with other people and perhaps sometimes trying to avoid interacting with other people. The amazing graphics and complex mechanics are just the framework upon which the all too colorful tapestry of human interaction is laid.

I want to talk to you today about the most holy of interactions; smack talk. History does not record when the first game was invented but most assuredly, the invention of smack talk followed mere moments afterwards. Good smack talk is as essential to the gaming experience as salt is to eating.

My experience in EVE has shown me that a great many of the more prolific smack talkers are woefully inadequate to the task. There are three definite rules which should be observed anytime you choose to un-zip and wag your cyber-dong in local.

1st rule:

Don’t be a dumbass. If you just dropped a couple dozen HAC’s on a rookie ship, broadcasting “you suck” in local is a) not supported by the facts at hand and b) an indication of your lack of experience. If you feel any real sense of accomplishment in destroying the erstwhile noob pilot then you probably purchased your account and should not speak until you know better. Don’t get me wrong, you should definitely blow that sucker up but afterwards act like you’ve “been there, done that.”

2nd rule:

Don’t be a dumbass. Show some style and a sense of humor when you lay down your smack. Don’t just drop back and punt out some lame ass question about the opposing pilot’s sexual orientation. Unless of course, you are cruising for a trick in which case, have at it. I won’t judge. Take some time to craft some clever gifs or at the very least learn a decent “yo mamma” joke or two.

The 3rd and final rule:

Finally; don’t be a dumbass. If you get your dick stomped in the dirt, don’t go all whiney and fill local up with your boo-hooing. You got beat. It happens. Tap out as genuine a “GF” as you can muster and go re-ship. Even if the other guy ignores my first two rules you are still expected to follow good ol’ number three. Remember, douche bags are filled with mostly saline so your tears will only make them stronger. Show some style. Death is temporary, shame is everlasting.

I hope this little missive will help inspire some of my fellow residents of New Eden to up their game. Quality smack talk makes the game better for all of us.


  1. Sven

    Now that is what I call a useful reminder!

    October 13, 2014 at 18:20 Reply
  2. wonderland

    No. if assholes have a blob hidden and bait you with a promise of an even fight, but then blob, and massively blob, thats pure faggotry and i will call it as such. No GF in this case.

    GF is only a GF when the fight was more or less even and interesting. Everything else, including blobbing, ganking etc. is just not GF, but regular dickery.

    October 13, 2014 at 18:43 Reply
  3. wonderland

    No. if assholes have a blob hidden and bait you with a promise of an even fight, but then blob, and massively blob, thats pure faggotry and i will call it as such. No GF in this case.

    GF is only a GF when the fight was more or less even and interesting. Everything else, including blobbing, ganking etc. is just not GF, but regular dickery.

    October 13, 2014 at 18:43 Reply
    1. Really?

      If you believe someone offering you a fair fight you have already lost and you should give them a GF for the fight that happened on the metagame field and not the pixel field.

      If you get caught in a trap you should give them a GF for their cleverness.

      If you’re AFK in your carrier on an anomaly and you get a fleet dropped on you because you can’t be bothered to have scouts out or pay attention to intel channels then you deserve to have everyone laugh at you for being an idiot. It’s not dickery if you deserve it.

      October 13, 2014 at 19:07 Reply
    2. Clearly Stupid

      You always give GF because it shows you give no fucks, irrelevant if you got blobbed or perma jammed, when someone rages at me i fucking love it, the best way to respond is always to give a gf it makes you look classy and like you give no fucks.

      October 13, 2014 at 19:07 Reply
      1. GTFU

        And yet you probably grr goons all the time. Yeah GF hahahaha. And incase you don’t get the name…Grow the Fuck Up.

        October 14, 2014 at 22:57 Reply
    3. Dumbledore

      Always GF. When you bubble a mining fleet and blob the living daylights out of them, you GF. When you DD a carrier, you GF. When you pipebomb a frig roam, you GF. When you drop 120 ishtars on a 12-man cruiser roam, you GF. When you alpha gank a hauler in high sec, you GF. GF’s are important. Always GF.

      October 13, 2014 at 21:23 Reply
    4. Hobo

      Do you even Eve, bro? Everything you noted is what makes Eve what it is. You’re a fool if you play to only the cards you can see 🙂 And, ‘gf’.

      October 14, 2014 at 00:02 Reply
    5. Facepalm

      1. The only “fair fights” in Eve are the ones you win, and

      2. Blob is a general Eve term for any fleet with more pilots in it.

      In my experience hot dropping it’s funny how many guys will engage the bait ship in a 5v1 or better fight and then complain about getting blob’d when the cyno goes up. Funny how that works.

      October 14, 2014 at 04:38 Reply
  4. outofgame4awhile

    Anyone who smack talks is less than a piece of crap.

    October 13, 2014 at 19:10 Reply
    1. Bawk Bawkbagawk

      I do believe that comment counts as smack talk… barely. no wonder you dont like smack talk, you are terrible at it.

      October 13, 2014 at 19:17 Reply
      1. Dumbledore

        Yeah, it takes a certain kind of smacker to smack about smack.

        October 13, 2014 at 21:25 Reply
  5. imsosly

    Such an irrational double-standard. Be a total soulless lying prick in all facets of the game.. but you mjust say ‘gf’ in local. lol. Some minds in EVE are just demented

    October 13, 2014 at 20:10 Reply
    1. fermaguel

      As one said by The Joker
      “Even I have standards, I may be a deranged lunatic, but im an AMERICAN lunatic”

      (in context, he was talking to another villain he had just discovered was a nazi)

      October 13, 2014 at 21:19 Reply
  6. Deltaguy

    My fav is trolling russians and talking shit on russia and watching the russians say they are going to report you for being a racist, like russian is a race.

    October 13, 2014 at 21:14 Reply
    1. Dumbledore

      Man, trolling russians is trolling easy mode. Almost as easy as trolling koreans, Eve-o forums, or mac users.

      October 13, 2014 at 21:24 Reply
      1. Bawk Bawkbagawk

        or yankees.

        October 13, 2014 at 21:55 Reply
        1. The Observer

          Damn carpet-baggers!

          October 13, 2014 at 22:38 Reply
          1. G

            or test

            October 14, 2014 at 01:56
      2. Diskutant

        The easiest to troll are the racists themselves. You call one out for using the term “jewing” for making ISK, and 9/10 explode with rage, sploshing their usual “HTFU” and so forth 😀

        October 14, 2014 at 09:10 Reply
  7. moxie


    October 13, 2014 at 21:18 Reply
  8. Dumbledore

    Hey, I could cite the same three rules (“don’t be a dumbass”) for forum posting, but because i am a dumbass, no-one would take my advise seriously. Such is life.

    October 13, 2014 at 21:21 Reply
  9. BearNClear

    When you show some imagination, skill and creativity in the way you kill me , then I’m happy to GF and give you some praise for your efforts, However gank me with your OP HAC or BC and I will just ignore your actions, return to station reship and continue with my efforts. I really don’t care.

    October 13, 2014 at 22:06 Reply
  10. g

    had a great gif conversation in local with sworn enemy just last night, should be humorous to anyone reading otherwise stfu

    October 14, 2014 at 01:56 Reply
  11. lol

    FUCK YOU Rupert!

    hows that for an ode?

    October 14, 2014 at 03:43 Reply
    1. Sjörövar Fabbe

      F for ode and F for smack talk.
      He said it should be a “yo mamma” joke, like: “You have my sympathy that your momma and your daddy were brothers and sisters, but maybe that explains a lot of your problems…”

      October 15, 2014 at 11:36 Reply
  12. Pinky

    I like Eve , the game of Hotdrops… Blob warfare and scaming newbs…

    October 14, 2014 at 08:12 Reply
  13. Tristan

    Nasty smack talks against nationalities:

    French “Sorry, what were you saying? was watching that pic of hitler at the Eifel tower”

    Americans “guess its hard not to outnumber your enemy when you’ve got 20% youth unemployment”

    Russians “If Sovjet russia couldent even blob out afghanistan, what makes you think you can take our sov??”

    Swedish “i thought sweden was NRDS hurr hurr”

    Danish “So you did not co-operate with the nazis??? its just odd how one can defend his sov for only 1 day…”

    English ” Starts mother of all wars to save poland… hands poland over to stalin… i think we’ll just find another coalition partner ”

    Norweigan “Sorry we dont take norweigans, they have a tendancy to AWOX our carebears ”

    Germans “I think we’ll just let the sane people choose our next alliance head…”

    Italians “If we invite you to corp, will we get bungalow parties??”


    October 14, 2014 at 09:23 Reply
  14. OMGoutrage

    Always remember when you get wtfpwned that “gf” can also mean “get fucked”.


    October 14, 2014 at 11:45 Reply
  15. M'kay

    I find it disturbing that you believe ‘smack talking’ has existed since the advent of games. What you are referring to is a lack of sportsmanship and rudeness, both relatively recent cancers eating away at civilized, polite society.

    For the record, this sort of behavior was socially reprehensible and nonexistent worldwide prior to the cultural train wreck that was the 60s and 70s. So, try thinking for yourself and consider taking the high road, treat your competitors and the outcomes of our contests with the respect and dignity both deserve.

    October 15, 2014 at 04:27 Reply
    1. Bouh

      I’m reading a book written in the XVIth century. In this is book, a noble says just that : “in the old times, young weren’t so fuckin’ disrepectful ; our ancestors were so much more noble and courtous than us it’s a shame.”
      Your talk about cultural train wreck and respect and dignity made me lough. I’m pretty sure people were already saying this three fuckin millenia ago, just it was in old greek or old egyptian instead of english.

      October 15, 2014 at 08:40 Reply
      1. Sjörövar Fabbe

        Even roman authors complained about the younger generation 2000 years ago. Nothing new. Apparently society is on a downward spiral since humans climbed down the trees and started to walk upright…

        October 15, 2014 at 11:32 Reply
    2. Sjörövar Fabbe

      OMG… WRONG WRONG WRONG! Even celtic warriors, saxons, britons started a smacktalkt before their champions faced each other in single combat before the battle continued in a shield wall or skjaldborg. Greecs and romans called that tactic phalanx.
      Smack talking and bragging were essential to a warrior’s reputation. historians ahve found songs of skjalds who reported of some hero’s smack talking to his ennemies…
      So, the 60’s and 70’s may have been the root of many evil and many good things, but they did not cuase smack talk…

      October 15, 2014 at 11:30 Reply
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