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(What follows is a refreshing “departure” from the regular “a titan got tackled and we cynoed in some friends to kill it off” sort of battle-report, we hope you enjoy it as much as we did.)

So this one cold winters night, 4 weeks after the initial planning phase. I was redeeming potatoes from the EVE Advent calendar website. I saw an Astero at a safespot. I probed it down and found it was at a safespont mid system. I thought this would be a good time to test out my new Phoenix that I hadn’t had the chance to use. I procedded to jump in my Phoenix and forgot to fit a point.

The Astero tackled me and I was unable to do sufficient damage with my Citadel Torpedoes.

Because the Astero lacked damage I thought it would be a good time to reenact the “Fast and the Furious Tokyo Drift” with my phoenix in memory of that duder that sadly died in the car crash. I proceeded to run around my room and make racecar sounds when I tripped over a pair of dirty underpants on the floor. It was then I looked at my screen and saw a fellow drag racer in an Erebus. There to aid me and save me from this crash.

At this moment I recalled God once said “let there be light” and so I lit a cyno and hazed fat nerds. Fellow onlookers came through the beacon and proceeded to scream loudly on coms calling random primaries. xXPlease Pandemic Citizens Reloaded Alliance.Xx proceeded to call the shots and save this burning wreckage caused by the lack of drifting skill. Whilst all sitting on grid the Ceremony was held. Just about when the trumpets were going to be played to mark the start of two minutes silence an officer rat spawned. It was at this point the erebus tried to hit the nitrous button and put it into 8th gear to save his own ship. Calling to duty as this obvious lack of respect to (oh i found his name) Paul Walker we tackled him. He started to burn rubber and pulled a sweet ass U turn. There was a smell of peppermint in the air. Even Santa himself couldn’t deny the funky freshness of this fight.

After the Erebus his half shields the order was made to refit to bulkheads incase the Erebus lit off its beam of holy light. Matthew 13.37 And God said let there be the holy light of swag and smoke down all the disbelievers. It was good that the Erebus didn’t have 50,000 isotopes. It was unable to light its holy superweapon of the lord. It was then we jumped in our own Swagnabus, Spinning rims glazing in the sunlight and boom box thumping out the tunes…

It died in under three minutes.

Kill: Arula (Erebus):

Battle Report:

I would like to give thanks to:

Arula
Tinkerhell and Alts
Brave Newbies Inc
Jesus
the 12 Disciples: Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Nathanael, Matthew, Thomas, James the less. Jude, J̶u̶d̶a̶s̶
Our Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un
CCP Guard – for valuable intel
Oprah
Gabe Newell

33 Comments

  1. IWuzThere

    Goddammit can we get a spell check/editor here?! I love writing in “interesting” context but not when every other word is fukt op.

    December 15, 2013 at 17:54 Reply
    1. the one

      spell check urself maybe?

      December 16, 2013 at 10:27 Reply
  2. Mr. Roarke

    shit story telling imo

    December 15, 2013 at 18:07 Reply
  3. Fuck this cunt

    Whoever wrote this, please, have this rope, tie it up and fucking hang yourself.

    December 15, 2013 at 18:11 Reply
    1. Bad Koala

      Better yet, tie yourself and your 14 upvoters in a mass of bodies and have someone jettison you in fucking Jita.

      December 16, 2013 at 12:37 Reply
  4. jb

    Coherent stories please!!!

    December 15, 2013 at 18:40 Reply
  5. Tubrug1

    Oh god I’m crying with laughter.

    December 15, 2013 at 18:47 Reply
  6. Princess Saskia
    December 15, 2013 at 18:51 Reply
  7. wowwhat

    At least it wasn’t written by mercfromabove. Read: you can fucking read it.

    December 15, 2013 at 18:51 Reply
  8. flatterpillo

    ……….. bobmon you should not have let this through :S

    December 15, 2013 at 18:54 Reply
    1. EN24 - Quality Journalism

      Bobmon is hardly able to stutter a decent sentence in English. How could he possibly be a decent editor?

      December 15, 2013 at 23:22 Reply
  9. dafuq

    I came expecting shit, and for once I got what I expected out of an EN:24 article.

    December 15, 2013 at 22:03 Reply
  10. Jack

    Did Glevon submit this?

    December 15, 2013 at 22:28 Reply
  11. Matti Leijona

    I laughed

    December 16, 2013 at 00:43 Reply
  12. blob bystander

    Horrible article, dont ever let something like be posted again pls!

    December 16, 2013 at 11:18 Reply
  13. Tweety Bird loves the dick
    December 16, 2013 at 12:04 Reply
  14. Bad Koala

    As I read this I kept being reminded of the Clockwork Orange mode of expression, and then, lo and behold, the Titan that was felled belonged to Clockwork Pineapple.

    Probably my ESP.

    December 16, 2013 at 12:35 Reply
  15. >.<

    Don’t ever write something like this again. I don’t know if you were trying to be funny or just use random words drawn from a hat but that’s what it reads like. This is an embarrassment to the English language.

    December 16, 2013 at 18:45 Reply
    1. Tweety Bird eats nigger babies

      Fat pist nerd?

      December 16, 2013 at 19:21 Reply
  16. Dreydan Trovirr

    I just don’t even know what the fuck happened on this page. Maybe this is some ploy for the next time we read a goblin artcle: “At least it’s not as bad as that fucking drift piece.”
    Tinfoil hat time.

    December 16, 2013 at 21:05 Reply
    1. Enochia Starr

      I for one support this statement

      December 16, 2013 at 21:56 Reply
  17. DJ Hessmix

    Do you guys even have editors? or is this a blog?

    December 16, 2013 at 23:35 Reply
  18. Sold

    Erebus with doomsday, no other weapons, and insufficient topes to use DD. gg

    December 17, 2013 at 16:43 Reply
  19. highonpop

    I get that the writer was trying to be funny.. but he tried way too hard and most of it had nothing to do with anything.. Please, hire and editor.

    December 19, 2013 at 14:31 Reply
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